Dear Friend, I like to start my notes to you as if we’re already in the middle of a conversation. I pretend that we’re the oldest and dearest friends, as opposed to what we actually are, people who don’t know each other’s names… – Kathleen Kelly, You’ve Got Mail.
Above: My current mood, courtesy of Columbo’s pet dog, Dog. (I think I might have screen shot this from an episode so I can’t give a credit link, forgive me.)
I seem to do my “best” writing at right before I go to sleep, which is to say that I actually sit down to do writing before I sleep. It stinks of procrastination, but that’s nothing really new…
I’ve decided that I might give *some people* the url to this place. I’m hoping that moving to this platform means that *you people* will comment to make this space a little less lonely + shout-into-the-void-y. I’d previously been using another super secret blogging platform, which I enjoyed but for the fact that I felt a little lonely. So I do miss social media, after all… sue me.
I always get like this every couple of months though – the cycle is usually that I’ll be caught up with work/school/some new hyper fixation… then I’ll get burnt out… then I’ll avoid anything and everything social… and consume approximately 30 books in a month… and all that indigestion makes me have “thoughts”, which leads me to believe that I can write a blog! Then I’ll create something, feel great about the name… and promptly forget about it. The cycle begins again. I have little hope for myself, but I shall run on the fumes of this little hope. Hurrah.
I also do have to confess that I have some fear when it comes to “being seen” – both deep-seated/inner-child related stuff but also some trauma when I was in uni where some fella said some creepy things to me — I don’t think about it often, but it does pop up whenever I’m wanting to post something on IG or write something that I’m signing off with my name. I just don’t want to be found by creepers who project weird thoughts onto me! Eep! All that to say, Will I let the fear bring me down…? Sigh, I’ll just take it slow and build something up until I feel “safe”. I wonder if I can lock this blog up. But I would feel bad for making my friends labour so hard to read my inane thoughts… Oh wells, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
This could all be a means to procrastination though. I read a book recently where the writer was talking about how living is about beginning again each day – for writers, the blank page never gets easier to fill. for the person of faith, praying is sometimes the most profound challenge. I need to find the exact quote to do the idea justice. But what I am trying to get at is that I do feel some measure of fear when I think about what to write. In my younger days, I used to just write out stream of consciousness passages (not unlike this post) and hurriedly click it to get it up before I lost my nerve. It has its pros and cons, but I’m hoping for something different. (I’ll have you know that I typed out an actual draft for this post! I deleted most of it, but… hopefully this is proof that a leopard can change its spots.)
Okay, I think I’ll stop writing here. Come back if you feel like it. (Please?)
Nicolaala
the quarter light 