the quarter light

Hi, it’s been awhile.! I sort of knew this was going to come. Because I’ve come to that point of the quarter/year when quote unquote nothing is happening:

I’m not on holiday. I’m slogging through school stuff and work stuff. I haven’t updated my wardrobe because of aforementioned slog, so I’m able to both feel AND look uninspired (black Uniqlo sack and…. HOKAs… zzz).

Tbh, I also feel guilty abt not having some sort of niche on this blog. I feel like I’m wasting your time, just “doing things”… Am I just wasting time by writing about nothing?

But today I was in the gym and trying to lift weights over my head and I had this thought which was that – actually, a lot of the people that I admire (writers, documentarians, moviemakers etc) are just really diligent documentarians of their lives. The things that each of us take for granted, the events that we dismiss as “boring” — these are noted down, meditated upon, observed— and before you know it, step by step, something bigger than the sum of its parts is created.

All that to say: I still don’t really know what my focus is. But one thing that I’ve been thinking is that – maybe it’s okay, and maybe I can take the time to find it. And maybe that’s the point of it all.?

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I often notice that I feel such pressure from outside to be a certain way, which leads me to rush into squeezing myself into yet another form that doesn’t fit. But lately, I’ve been meditating on slow-ness, in two forms, primarily:

• Running: I’ve started running again! A failed 5km race started me off on this iteration of my “running era” (sorry)(shoutout to T who sheltered and fed me breakfast after I skipped out on the 5km race – it was a logistical nightmare getting to the startline so I was like, not today).
  
  To be frank, my visions were pretty humble and boring. But some conversations with my colleague inspired me to start a proper running plan… One thing that’s been different about this time around is that I’ve tried to stop beating myself up about various facets of a run (it felt bad! I ran such a short distance! I failed at my plan!).
  
  Instead, I’ve been influenced by fellow slow runners to ask myself: how slow can I go? can I go slower? Of course, this means that I won’t be joining any run clubs (unless they are slow run clubs) or winning any competitions or just generally being a model of mainstream running ideals?
  
  But I’ve been really appreciating how going slow has allowed me to just… enjoy the ride? Like, I’m not rushing to get anywhere. I don’t have to be a certain way. I don’t need to post this on Instagram. I can just be me, slow and steady.
  
  I feel like I am reaping the benefits of regular exercise- but to me, it’s not been the main focus of my runs. I’ve just been trying to focus on not die and to just keep breathing and to run pain-free. And it’s been gratifying to realise that I’m receiving something that has been much needed.
  
• Journalling: I try and journal in the mornings. I do it after I get to work now because that’s just what’s working for me in the mornings. Something interesting that I’ve realised is that I often feel like I’m someone who doesn’t have much to say. But I realised that if I give myself the space and time to be still and write something, anything — there are these thoughts that come out. Sometimes they’re simple- guideposts that help me set the day in a right tone. Sometimes they are more profound, a lesson that has crystallised and is making itself known to me on the page. Always I realise that these are thoughts I would otherwise have suppressed, ignored or just forgotten.

So these are the lessons that I’ve been learning and really been trying to apply and also, prioritise. Because it’s so hard to go slow. It’s so hard, not to compare myself to other people — October is rolling around, and anxiety was really mounting at the thought that I hadn’t achieved anything. From the outset, it would seem that way – nothing has changed in terms of external markers of achievement… But it’s really interesting to notice that the anxiety seemed to fade a little as September trudged on – not because I forgot about it. But because I think I realised that there was life to be lived, even now. Even in this so-called “stuck-ness”, which I don’t really know is stuck-ness after all.

Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast. Not the fast that I expect: all personal bests and speed records. It’s a deeper and truer kind of progress – learning to listen, accept, and surrender what was not mine to hold in the first place. So I can run lighter, freer. So I can run, not as what someone expects me to be, but maybe as who I was created to be.

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Some July-September Hyperfixations

• Murder Mysteries ft. stoic detectives: I’ve been consuming (somewhat mindlessly) all the Keigo Higashino novels that I could find. From the Kaga series, I enjoyed Newcomer – I found that there was a lot of heart in this book, and it wasn’t just about crime solving, it was abt ~relationships~ lol. The Galileo series has more imperfect and quirky (in the creepy way) characters – and this is the series with the much acclaimed Devotion of Suspect X – which I can imagine could appeal to more people. I finished it, but was like, meh.
  
  I’m still on a murder novel kick – moved on to Black Ice by Michael Connelly. Yay for escapism. It’s so quaint because it’s set in 1993 and they use typewriters. Also, Bosch so machooooooooo and noir.
  
• “Deeper”(?) reads: I enjoyed How To Be, which were musings/meditations between a priest and a journalist written before/through the pandemic. Very chill and heartwarming.
  
  I also plowed through We All Want Impossible Things by Catherine Newman fairly quickly – hilarious, vulnerable, devastating. but I think I can only take her in small amounts. Her voice is very very distinct (and can be grating in large doses, I imagine).
  
  
• Phoebe Judge Obsession: I’ve been kind of a huge Phoebe Judge fan because her voice is so freaking calming (or should I say, Colm-ing). I’ve enjoyed these episodes recently: Big Fish (crazy times at a fishing competition), Nurse Bokhee (such a cute story T_T) and Ten Thousand Feet In The Air (I forgot that people committed crimes like this – This would never happen today.). It was comforting but still had enough intrigue to keep me hooked.
  
• In other news: Been using a VPN to watch Monk on Netflix, which has been delightful. A few years on, I find that it doesn’t really hold up on an evidence front… but it’s such a comfort show. Now, someone just has to petition Netflix to put Colombo on pls…..
  
  
  

I don’t know what this image means, but , um. I agree.

Ok, I think that’s enough for “not having anything to say”. I’ll try to be back sooner next time around… Take care of yourselves.

xx