Today, I want to write about…
A coincidence that falls on the 2nd of October.
Now, I’m going to write about some religious/spiritual things. So if this is not your cup of tea, consider yourself warned.
Also, I’m going to discuss the Netflix series Giri/Haji. There may be spoilers. I’m not really parsing my writing very thoroughly.
so, if you’re sensitive about either, skip.
—
I started watching the Netflix series Giri/Haji about a week and a half ago, on account that I’d always meant to watch it because I am a big fan of Kelly McDonald. I cannot forget her performance in No Country For Old Men.
In Episode 3, Kelly McDonald’s character Sarah invites the main protagonist Kenzo (played by Takehiro Hira) over to her house for Yom Kippur:
SARAH
Yom Kippur. Tonight. It’s a Jewish
thing, you’re supposed to fast and
feel guilty about stuff. I usually
skip the fasting part. Really good
at the guilt though. My mum and dad
used to cook this big meal and we’d
all ask for forgiveness for our
transgressions and, you know,
receive atonement and stuff.
Massive leap but I wonder if that
might not be something you could
use.
from here. (Why is the shooting script available online? Idk, but I’m grateful for it.)
Kenzo (the main protagonist) shows up to Sarah’s house with his wayward-teenage-daughter Taki in tow, along with his accidental-gay-prostitute-sidekick Rodney. The four of them manage to wrangle something of a warm dinner together and they finally sit down to eat.
I managed to find this scene on YouTube:
For much of the series, Rodney has been doing a ton of drugs, and having lots of sex and partying hard and getting beaten up and crashing in his filthy bedsit…
… So I just love that Rodney can finally rest a little at this table. At last, he can be still.
He stumbles. He trembles. He asks for forgiveness. Sarah says nothing, but she smiles and nods. As does Kenzo.
I’ve not seen a scene like that in a long time.
It brought to mind something that I read once – I did a bit of searching and found this section in “Liturgy of the Ordinary” by Tish Harrison Warren:
In Anglican liturgical practice we never confess without also hearing God’s blessing and forgiveness over us. In traditional liturgical churches the priest stands and pronounces absolution. The priest asks God for mercy and forgiveness through Jesus’ work on our behalf.
Once a close friend visited my church and she was concerned by this part of our service. She didn’t like that the priest pronounced absolution. She asked, “Don’t we receive forgiveness from God, not a priest?” Why use a go-between. I told her that forgiveness is from God, and yet, I still need to be told. I need to hear in a loud voice that I am forgiven and loved, a voice that is truer, louder and more tangible than the accusing voices within and without that tell me I’m not.
I remember reading this book and feeling a sense of curiosity.
Hearing someone say it out loud: Your sins are forgiven – I wondered what it would feel like.
The church tradition that I grew up with was not this way… To talk about forgiveness, we need to talk about sin, right… How did we talk about sin?
We talked about sin in ways that still haunt me to this day – nebulous and unspecific in nature, yet terrible in consequence.
I’m not sure where I picked it up.
Was it church? School? Family?
Whatever it was, the place that I landed was this: Forgiveness only meant something if there was something to back it up with – Faith without deeds is dead.
So, a severed finger like the Yakuza do, perhaps. But yes, something bloody and Pyrrhic.
Terrifying.
And even then, paradoxically, that wasn’t enough. It wasn’t right.
Relying on your “severed finger” meant that you were relying on “works” not “faith”.
Utterly confusing.
Also, forgiveness could only be meted out by One being – unfortunately, He was invisible. But… also, He was watching.
Overwhelming.
I guess, my story could have ended there: Scared. Paranoid. Slightly more than traumatised. (Story for another day.)
But as circumstances would have it – I moved churches.
It’s not perfect. It’s not some kind of silver bullet.
But. Surprise.
Some weeks, the worship leader gives us time to ask God for forgiveness of sins. No need for fasting. Just silence.
Silently, we ask. Not for long, mind you. A couple of minutes maybe.
Some weeks, I can think of something. Some weeks, I can’t. Some weeks, I can’t bear to ask for forgiveness because I’m overwhelmed and spiralling.
But most weeks, the worship leader says something like: Friends, rejoice! Through Christ, our sins are forgiven.
Something simple and short like that.
—
And…
it does make a difference. to me.
Even if it is small. Barely noticeable.
Even if some days, I can’t. Don’t. Entirely believe it.
But there is this knowledge that it is a truth that exists, outside of me.
Someone says it out loud. To a group of people. That I am in.
And it helps.
I don’t know why.
But it helps.
–
Anyway, the coincidence that I discovered was that Yom Kippur actually fell on 1-2 October this year, which was right around when I was watching these episodes.I just found it strange to think that I was technically living my life around the same “time” as the characters in the series, even if it was in the past.
OK, I think I’ll stop here. I feel like. I spent a lot more time on this post than I was expecting. I’m giving up sleep for this. But it felt good to write today. I am grateful.
.
N.
the quarter light 